DATING TO RELATING FOR MEN – WEEKLY COLUMN– 3/22/10
Dating To Relating For Men- Advice By Mr. L. Rx
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Mr. L. Rx is the author of the popular DatingToRelating.com website and the author of the popular book “Dating To Relating – From A To Z”. Have a question? Send it to Column@DatingToRelating.com and it may be selected for answer in this column. (Sorry all questions cannot be answered.)
Question: Mr. L. Rx, you talk about using “gradients” a lot in your writings. Can you give me an example of how to use gradients to approach a woman?
Answer: Yes, here is an example:
I use to feel uncomfortable approaching women. I felt like walking up to an attractive woman and saying “Wow, are you hot or what?” or “Will you marry me?” or “I’m in love.” Or “Hey, I just saw you over there and I’m really attracted to you.”
Now before I really looked at it I thought the sequence of approach was something like this:
1) First step – You have to approach the girl or she is gone forever and you lose.
2) Second step – You have to tell her you are attracted to her or you won’t be able to create the chance of seeing her again.
Problem is I either couldn’t bring myself to do it, too shy, too insecure about my self, or I got drunk and did it and got shot down 90% of the time. So after a while, I would just let the opportunity pass.
One day I finally sat down and applied gradients to the situation. I figured out that the real problem was I was uncomfortable with telling a hot girl exactly how much I liked her because I didn’t want to face the rejection (especially in front of other people) if she responded negatively. Then I figured out a way that I didn’t have to say these higher gradient things (such as “I love you” or “you are so hot”) on the approach.
So let’s look at the sequence of events in this situation which added some gradient steps between 1 and 2 above.
1) First step – You have to approach the girl or she is gone forever and you lose.
2) Second step – You have to say something to her or someway attempt to engage her in a conversation as she probably won’t do it herself.
3) Third step – Say something neutral that will not embarrass you or be obvious to people around that you are hitting on her.
4) Watch her response – does she try to keep the conversation going?
5) If she doesn’t, let her go – no harm no foul – nothing to be embarrassed about after all you just asked her for the time. But if she keeps the conversation going and appears to be interested in doing so go to next step.
6) Keep the conversation going myself. At some point, add a slight “flirt” and see how she responds – something like “Wow, you have really pretty eyes.”
7) If the slight flirt doesn’t push her away, take it to the next level. Tell her she is an interesting person and you would like to talk to her some more but you have to go. Get her phone number and/or email.
8) You have achieved step 2 (letting her know you are attracted to her)in the first example above because women are used to subtle communications, and she now knows you are interested in her and thinks you are really cool because you did it in normal way (not the usual guy way – “Wow, you are so beautiful!”)
With this one observation I worked out a gradient strategy that forever handled my uncomfortable feelings and shyness. My shyness was really about me not wanting to look stupid by getting shot down by some girl in front of other people. When I used a gradient approach it eliminated what I was really afraid of – looking stupid by putting my heart on my sleeve and having some girl stomp all over it.
So my best pick up line became and still is today, guys, “Hi!”
Mr. L. Rx
