There is definite flirting behavior when a girl is interested in you and there is definite “not interested” behavior when she is not. There is another type of behavior that is “just friendly” and a similar type of behavior that is “just flirting” – in other words, it is not meant to be taken seriously and is not meant to go anywhere.
Now I am not going to tackle the obvious, when a girl asks you out or tells you how handsome you are, etc. that is flirtation behavior you should get. But here is what girls do when they are being more subtle and less aggressive and are interested in establishing something with you.
Flirty
1) They will suggest or establish “future” in your conversation. You know, “Let’s hang some time,” or “I know a place you would really like. I will take you there sometime”, or something of the sort. It would be usually one-on-one type situations, but if she wants to check you out more, then it might be an invitation to a group function. “My girlfriend and I are going to blah-blah, Sunday. Would you like to come?” Be careful of the last one, though, it could be a “just-friends” invitation.
2) They will compliment you. The more sexual the compliment, the more flirty and interested it might be. For example, “You have a cute butt,” would be a more sexual compliment. However “I had a great time” or “I really enjoyed hanging with you” are still very good indicators that a girl is really interested. (Make sure that she originates the compliment and is not just being polite and complimenting you because you complimented her.)
3) A phone call, text, or email from the girl saying what a nice or enjoyable time she had with you a few minutes to a few hours after getting together with her is another good indicator that she is really interested in you. Even a contact the next day or within a few days of the same nature is a good indicator.
In other words, girls who are really flirting, with the intention of it going somewhere, try to give you a few extra hints that they are really interested and that you should pursue them. Now there is one other kind of girl that won’t do any of the above, but you will notice you have good one-on-one conversation with her every time you meet and have a chance to converse. She is there, always talks to you, doesn’t run away, but also doesn’t suggest future or give compliments. She might be the type that is a little shy and wants you to make the first move.
Now the hard ones are “friendly girls” who are affectionate and out-going types but are not really flirting. They may be really friendly and talkative to you. They may compliment you on something (but not usually a sexual compliment) and they may give you a hug or a cheek-kiss.
Now if a girl does this and she doesn’t do any of 1-3 above, and she sort of avoids any significant one-on-one time or conversations (in other words she tries to interact with you in group situations or just briefly) then she is just being friendly and you will probably see her interacting with other men and women in the same way (another clue).
A “flirty girl” who is just flirting to have fun, will probably do much of the same behavior as the “friendly girl” and may even get a little sexual with her flirts and compliments, but again, it will probably be in group situations and she will avoid any serious one-on-one with you.
Friendly Or Flirty
If you have any doubt about “friendly girls” or “flirty girls” just try to up the gradient of flirtation and see how they respond. If they are really flirting with you and are interested in it going somewhere, they will respond appropriately when you up the gradient. If they back down or withdraw, or are anything less than “eager” when you up the gradient, then you know that they are just being friendly or flirty and you should not take it seriously.
So ask them out, ask for their phone number, or suggest some one-on-one time and see how they respond. If they respond positively, eagerly – they are interested; if they are hesitant or respond negatively, or “politely” – they are just being “friendly” or “flirty.”
Question: Mr. L. Rx I am very attracted to this girl in one of my college classes. I’ve known her for several months now, though we don’t have a relationship. I feel that I am deeply in love with her and told her that the other day. She told me that attraction is not love. Is she right? I feel that this strong of an attraction must be love. Could I be wrong?
Answer: This is one of the best questions I have had in a long time. And the answer is simple. Love is not attraction.
Well, perhaps I should temper that. For some people, love is experienced as attraction, or at least love is misidentified as attraction. Attraction between men and women is entirely a physical force not a mental force. Attraction between men and women can be created by mental considerations, but in the end it is not a mental force.
Mr. Webster defines attraction as:
“The electric or magnetic force exerted by oppositely charged particles, tending to draw or hold the particles together.”
Men and women are oppositely charged particles. When we are talking about attraction here, we are talking about a physical attraction.
Now most women, not all, have a better handle on this than men. Most women can feel a physical attraction for a man, recognize it as such, determine that the man for other reasons is unsuitable as a “love interest” and move on. Most men, on the other hand can’t do this. Most men feel a physical attraction for a woman, and the stronger that physical attraction is, the more they misidentify it as “love.”
Both David DeAngelo and myself have written extensively that attraction can be created and that it is not innate. You can create attraction, where there is none, just by teaching men (or women) to say and do or be certain things.
Men physically saying or doing or being certain things, creates attraction in women. This is a physical law not a mental condition just as it is a physical law that you can magnetize any piece of metal, and create attraction to that metal whether or not it was magnetized before. (Incidentally you can do this no matter how ugly or poor that piece of metal is!)
Now love, on the other hand, is also an attraction of sorts. But it is a mental attraction not a physical one. Physical attraction is different for everyone. For some it is how cute you are, for others, how rich you are, or yet others, how famous you are. But in all cases a physical attraction is an instantaneous attraction with no thought attached – just like a magnet.
Physical attractions are meant to get us to pay attention to someone. That’s all. That is the extent of it. Once you pay attention, cognitive processes should take over.
Now love, when it is not misidentified, is a totally cognitive process. It is a mental process. After someone gets our attention, love is the attraction that develops because we get to know someone and find that many of their non-physical qualities are a good “fit”, agreeable, or a match for us.
Love can take a long time or a short time to develop, but “love” is where we arrive when we overwhelmingly start finding ourselves attracted to a person in ways that the physical sexual attraction did not foretell.
When we find that the person’s humor, personality, style, way of being, way of communicating, and goals in life are all “attractive” or compatible with ourselves (and are real – not fake attributes that were meant to create a instant physical attraction); and when we find that we naturally want to be with a person because of a whole set of these variables – not just looks or money or fame – we are starting to develop a cognitive attraction or “love.”
There can be so many cognitive attractions to a person that at some point it can overcome a lack of “physical attraction” (looks, money, fame). But, most importantly, a cognitive “love” would look for a similar variable in another. In other words, a cognitive attraction would not consider it “love” – as between a man and a woman – unless the cognitive attraction saw the attraction going in both directions.
Similarly, other types of love – say between parent and child – can also get misidentified. Parents will often misidentify love for responsibility. When you cognitively consider your children “undeserving brats”, but help them anyway because you “love” them, you are mistaken. You help them because you are responsible for them, not because you “love them”. In this society, that is how “family” usually works. It is a tight group that takes care of each other, despite love or lack thereof. It is just an agreement.
Friendship is usually the purest form of love, in that it is the least often misidentified. There are those of us who feel the obligation to be friends with anyone we know, or grew up with, or work with, or who are in our vicinity, but most of us don’t say that we “love” a friend unless there is a deep sense of compatibility – numerous variables that we are attracted to, feel compatible with, etc. with that friend – and usually we don’t say it unless it is a mutual feeling. You know, you both feel the same way.
That is why friendship is and should be the basis of a good relationship. If we love our friend and he or she happens to be of the opposite sex, and some of the attraction variables present also can create the man-woman attraction (or the man-woman variable was the first attraction to begin with), then we have the likelihood of a real or true man-woman love relationship, and not some here-today and gone-tomorrow sexual attraction.
And why are instant sexual attractions and infatuations usually here-today and gone-tomorrow? Well that is because after we get to know this person we were instantly attracted to, and find out we are not attracted to them in so many other ways, it actually kills or suppresses the instant man-woman attraction that was there to begin with.
Again women are better at this than men. Most women –like it or not – can suppress their instant attraction to men in favor of a more cognitive approach.
So the moral of this story is “Don’t misidentify sexual attraction for love.” Sexual attraction is physical and instant. Love is a cognitive attraction that takes a while to develop. If you act on a sexual attraction as if it were “love” you may find yourself in a place down the road that you don’t want to be in.
How to talk to women. This is a very difficult subject for a variety of reasons.
First of all, women come in a variety of personalities. Any good and experienced salesman knows that you talk to different personalities in different ways.
A good example of this is my article on meeting women in bars and clubs. (https://datingtorelating.info/how-to-pick-up-women-in-bars-and-clubs/ ) If you read it, you will see that to deliver the same basic communication to different personalities in bars and clubs, I had to approach and talk to the women in different ways.
So, you see, there is no ONE way to talk to women or to men. Anyone who tells you there is one way to talk to women is lying. Knowing this is what makes an expert salesmen or an expert dating guru. Pitches and lines will only work on a small percentage of people. An expert knows all the different ways to communicate the same idea to different people. So an expert salesmen or an expert with women approaches that 80 to 90 percent success ratio, that pitches and “lines” can’t achieve, as he is able to adjust his communication to the person in front of him. This is how you talk to women.
The salesmen who use one pitch on everyone and the dating gurus who treat all women the same will have a smaller percentage of success – usually around 10 percent but some times as high as 30 percent or perhaps one could even achieve a higher percent if one controlled the environment he was pitching to. But when we talk about the general public the expert will still achieve those 80-90 percent success ratios and the pitch salesmen and dating gurus who treat everyone the same will invariably have a success ratio ten percent or lower.
So having said that, knowing that there is no ONE way to talk to women, any expert knows which technique will reach the most people, work most of the time, even though it is not right for everyone. So that is what we will talk about here. There is no one way to talk to women; however, what I will talk about here is the best way to talk to women in general.
Now, let’s look at this concept of “How to talk to women” a little further. What do we mean by “talk to women” ? Do we mean actual communication? Let’s define communication as having something to do with understanding. In other words communication is talk that results in someone understanding what you are saying, from your point of view.
But there is another type of talk. Talk aimed at producing a result. It is aimed at getting someone to do something or it is aimed at creating an effect on someone. We don’t really care if the person understands our viewpoint as long as what we said gets them to do, or be, or have whatever it is we want them to do, or be, or have. Any parent knows that if you tell a two year old “not” to do something, he will do it. So that is the type of talk we are referring to in this definition. It doesn’t require understanding. It is just a matter of what we say produces the desired effect on another.
Casual talk on the other hand, doesn’t have much to do with understanding, or a particular desired effect. (Unless we say that the desired effect is a pleasant time while conversing with another.) Casual talk is just something to do to take up time; it can be interesting and entertaining even, but not much to do with understanding or a desired effect on another outside of a pleasant time conversing.
Then there are those people who talk to achieve emotional release. They talk about something that is bothering them for a while and they feel better and get an emotional release. They again are not looking for any type of understanding, or to create a desired effect on another, or to have a pleasant time with another. They just want someone who will listen long enough so they can get an emotional release.
Talk To Women
So right here we have at least four different purposes to or types of “talk.”
One that achieves understanding of your viewpoint.
One that tries to create an effect on another to do, be or have something.
One that takes up time in a pleasant way.
And one that achieves an emotional release from worries and things bothering one.
Now oddly enough, personality factors intersect with these various different types of talk, because some personalities specialize in one of the types of talk more than the others.
We all have the friend who just talks and talks about their problem trying to achieve some emotional release. They don’t want your advice or attempts to solve their problem. They just need to talk.
We all have the buddies that we can just shoot the breeze with. Nothing in particular just pleasant conversation.
And we all have good and bad experiences with people who say things in order to get us to react in one way or another.
The problem area appears to be the type of communication that results in an understanding of your viewpoint. What are arguments other than two people not understanding each other’s viewpoint. How many times have you been in an argument with someone, in which you don’t feel like you were understood?
Now when we talk about dating and relating to women and how to talk to women, we need to know 1) how to talk to women in order to attract women, 2) how to talk to women in order to qualify women, and 3) how to talk to women in order to relate to them.
How To Talk To Women In Order To Attract Them
Now here is where personality comes in again. Obviously if you were talking to a woman who was a personality type that specialized in (4) above – emotional release – you would attract her by listening to her unburden herself and achieve emotional release. If you were talking to a personality type that just likes to have a pleasant time, (3) above, then chatting in a pleasant way about nothing in particular would score you big points. Just don’t bring that conversation into “unpleasant” realms and you will do just fine on “attraction”.
Now if you are with the type of personality that needs to create effects on you or needs an effect created on herself, (2) above, then let them do so or do so to them and you will do fine on the attraction vector. And if you are with the type of women who longs for understanding and being understood, (1) above, then achieve understanding in your conversation and you will achieve attraction.
Now I suggest you read my article, “How To Meet Women In Bars And Clubs” that I refer to above as I am going to give you some examples here. “Love Girls” would be an example of (1) above, and the “Gradient Girls” and the “Beautiful Tease” are both examples of (2) above, “Boredom Girls” which I minutely refer to in the article would be an example of (3) above.
You see the “Love Girl” was simply looking for a guy that understood that “no games” were necessary. I understood that, therefore instant attraction. The “Beautiful Tease” needed an effect created on her, that I was not attracted to her, to get her to become attracted to me – therefore my “talking” produced instant attraction. The “Gradient Girls” also needed an effect created on them that I was not some typical guy just looking for sex. My talking created that effect and therefore instant attraction.
So you see there is no one way to talk to women to create attraction. But outside of bars and clubs here is what I find works the best when I talk to women.
Listen to women and ask questions. Don’t be concerned about yourself and bragging about this and that. If you listen to a woman and ask questions, she will reveal what kind of talk she likes and you can do the appropriate thing from there, or you can qualify her, and if you don’t like her personality or other things about her, then just say “no” to going any further with her.
MOST of the time I spend about 80% of my time on a date, or in a relationship LISTENING. Girls like that. And that is the best way you can approach “dating and relating” and “how to talk to women” . Be willing to listen to what she talks about, because if you listen you will get clues on how and what to talk about.
LISTEN, and base your conversation off of what she is interested in, and everything should flow naturally.
How To Talk To Women In Order To Qualify Them
How to talk to women when qualifying is easy. Listen and ask questions as above but ask the things that you are interested in and want to know about her. Stay away from blatant sexual remarks and sexual innuendo, though. This tends to push women away and reverses the attraction you have created above.
Now remember that women communicate in subtleties and like it when men do the same. So if you want to know if she likes sex, for example, get her talking about her last relationship, listen, listen, listen. When she gives you an appropriate lead in, ask her if they had a good sex life. This isn’t addressing a sexual remark at her (you are so hot), or sexual innuendo, but it will allow you to learn about what she thinks about sex, what her experience has been with respect to it in the past, and it will allow you to talk about it in a mature adult way.
Some times you can be direct and talk about it in a mature adult way. When I was pursuing my 700 dates, after I established a good “talking” chemistry with someone, I would ask them directly “How do you feel about sex? They would usually say, “What do you mean?” And I would say, “You know, how do you feel about it? Do you like it? Do you hate it? Do you think it is a necessary evil? Or what?” If they probed me some more on why I was bringing it up, I would just tell them the truth, I would say, “My first wife didn’t like sex and it was a big problem in our relationship, I just don’t want to get myself in that kind of a situation again.”
But truth be told, if I did the chemistry part right, only about one woman in twenty would have any concern with my question. Most would just answer my question and tell me what they honestly felt about it.
In order to talk to women to qualify them, you should have a list of questions that you would like to know about any woman – the kind of things that are important to you. For example, for me, after I establish that I am attracted to a woman physically, I like to know if she is intelligent, if she is creative. I like to know about her family and how she gets along with them. I like to know about her friends and how close she is or isn’t to them.
I like to know what her moral code is. I like to know if she is spiritual or religious. I like to know what her career goals are, what her family goals are. And a lot of other things….
Now If I listen to both what she tells me about herself, and the type of questions she asks me, I get a feel for a lot of the above without asking her any questions. Or if she asks me one of my questions, I will answer it and then ask her how she feels about that.
Whenever there is a lull in the conversation, I will just ask her one of the above questions that she hasn’t answered yet. It might be, “So, do you have any brothers or sisters?” Or, “How do you get along with your parents?” Or, “How do you like your job?” These type of questions all lead the conversation in the direction I want it to go when I talk to women that I am qualifying.
There is never an uncomfortable lull in the conversation when I am qualifying a woman. Nor do I talk about myself a lot, nor does she feel like she is getting grilled, because I rarely ask inappropriate questions. Most of the questions I ask are appropriate – based off the last thing she said. So if she says, “ I grew up in Minnesota.” I don’t immediately ask, “How do you get along with your parents?” That might feel like I was grilling her if I kept that up.
I would say, “Oh yeah, I’ve never been to Minnesota, what is it like there?” And after she talked about that for a while, I might then ask, “So, does your family still live in Minnesota, or did they move out here like you did? This leads me into family and after she talks about where her mom and dad live for a while, I might then follow up with, “Do you get along with your parents?” Or “Which parent do you get along with best?”
My conversation always follows a natural progression of asking questions based on what she last said. This allows her to talk 80% of the time, allows me to qualify her, subtlety tells her I am qualifying her and I am interested in much more than just sex, and believe it or not, women really like this. They like being qualified as long as you do it subtly and show you are genuinely interested in them. The genuineness comes from listening and mainly asking questions that are appropriate to the last comment she just made.
Now occasionally you meet a very shy woman, who only gives you “yes” and “no” answers to your questions. This makes the whole process a little harder, as you have nothing to play off of. So in this case, I do a lot more talking, as it is necessary to keep things comfortable. So I might ask her a question like, “Where did you grow up?” and get “Detroit” as an answer. And then ask, “What is Detroit like?” and get “It’s ok” as an answer. In that case I would then offer that I grew up in California and talk about California the way I would want her to answer my questions. After doing this for a while (or several dates) the woman will usually open up and start answering questions the way I want her to.
I personally don’t like shy women, so I usually disqualify them, rather than spend a lot of time on them. Occasionally one is really, really hot and I will spend the time to see if she opens up. Sometimes people are only shy for a while until you get to know them.
The bottom line to qualifying women is to ask questions and listen to the answers and to smoothly and appropriately ask all the questions you need to know about a woman to decide if you are interested in taking it to the next level.
One more thing about qualifying – qualifying and rejecting women who don’t qualify becomes easy if you meet lots of women. You might find yourself struggling with it if you only meet one woman a year or so. And you might set your standards too low due to a scarcity of women.
So do yourself a favor and get a copy of my book “How I Got 700 Dates In One Year” or some such similar book to learn how to meet lots of women. Then qualifying them will work like a charm.
How To Talk To Women In Order To Relate to Them
Well if you have learned to do the above and know how to talk to women to attract and qualify woman with your conversation, the first thing you need to do in a relationship is continue to do the same kind of talk that you did to attract them in the first place. The biggest mistake men make in relating to women is to stop doing the things they did to attract the woman.
This is usually because the guy failed to qualify the woman and got stuck with someone whose personality he really didn’t like. He then did the things he had to do to get her because he wanted sex. Then after he settled and married her or secured her as a girlfriend or moved in with her, he stopped doing the things that he did to attract her because he really didn’t want to do those things in the first place.
Hence, you can see the importance of learning how to talk to women to qualify them.
If you learn how to talk to women in order to qualify women, you will end up with someone you actually enjoy, and relating to them won’t be so hard.
Now depending on the type of “talker” (from the four types above) that you chose, the majority of the time, you will relate to them in the manner their personality dictates. But in a relationship you will usually run into all four types of talk, as no one does just one type of talk 100% of the time. Occasionally you might clash with each other and disagree or just need to talk about something important on which subject you might need to achieve understanding. Other times you might just need some pleasant conversation, other times someone might need to talk for a while simply to achieve emotional release about something.
Then of course there will be the times someone tries to talk to you to create an effect on you or vice versa.
But the personality type that you chose will do one of the above more often than the others, and if you qualified the girl right, you should be ok with that.
But in any case be prepared to listen, listen, listen as long as you are relating, and keep on asking questions because people grow up and change, so you are always sort of qualifying them. And whether your woman is the personality type that talks 80% of the time or the personality type that talks 20% of the time, always listen to everything she says and respond appropriately.
Mr. L. Rx
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How To Talk To Women (c) 2010 by Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Talk To Women To Attract Women (c) 2010 by Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Talk To Women To Qualify Them (c) 2010 by Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Talk To Women To Relate To Women (c) 2010 by Dating To Relating, Inc.
Flirtation is an interesting subject indeed. We all do it at one time or another, in one way or another. Yet some of us do it better and more effectively than others. Would you like to learn how to flirt with women?
Then let’s start by asking what would be better and more effective flirtation? Well let’s look at the definition:
“Playful behavior intended to arouse sexual interest.”
So any flirtation that was more effectively arousing sexual interest would be better flirtation by this definition.
Now the problem with flirtation is there is no one way to flirt with women. So when we look at the subject of how to flirt with women, as I have mentioned many, many times in my writings, different people have different personalities. What one person would consider “arousing” another might consider crude, or stupid or childish.
So are there any universal types of behavior that might be effective flirtation when we look at how to flirt with women?
Yes, communication as opposed to no communication. (Notice I said communication – not talking. Communication can be non-verbal.) In other words there has to be a communication in order to flirt. That is a universal attribute of flirtation.
Successful or effective flirtation would create “attraction.” So a communication designed to create sexual attraction or interest would be effective flirtation, despite personality differences.
Now remember, personalities too can vary widely on what is considered “attractive.” If you read my articles on how to meet women in bars and clubs you will remember that in order to create attraction, one type of personality required a direct confident communication said directly to them, whereas another required the opposite, an indirect communication said in their presence but aimed at another.
So “how to flirt with women” can get complicated.
But let’s get back to how to flirt with women and talk about what works most of the time in normal everyday situations – not bars and clubs.
How To Flirt With Women:
1) Smile. Definitely a flirt and usually received as such by most people.
2) Look her in the eyes, without flinching and looking away. (Followed by a “smile” is definitely a top flirt.)
3) Talk to her. Find an obvious excuse to talk to her. “Excuse me, do you know what time it is?” Or “Do you know where there is a bookstore around here?” It doesn’t matter what you say. If you do one and two above then approach and talk to her, she will know you are flirting. And it is a better flirt if you just suggest interest. Telling her how hot she is can be an effective flirt for some women, but will blow a lot of really hot women away. Keep it suggestive, you will do better in the long run.
4) Find an excuse to move in close. (Make sure you smell good when you do.) Hold it for a brief moment or two then back away again. Closeness suggests intimacy. Use it sparingly when you can.
5) Find an excuse to touch her lightly now and again. Touch her arm, her elbow, her hand. Don’t be feely, grabby, that is NOT how to flirt with women, just a light touch then retreat. Again this is a form of closeness that suggests intimacy.
6) Don’t overstay your welcome. Make your flirts short and sweet. Move in, flirt. Leave and do something else. Come back and flirt again. Leave, come back. Keep this sort of cycle going. This kind of flirtation is best done with people you can see again. This won’t work on a woman walking down the street that you won’t ever see again. That would require a different type of flirt strategy and you would have to get her number or something for it to be successful.
7) Now as you get to know her in the steps above, you can extend your “drop ins” and talk a little. Be real, compliment her personality or her taste in clothes, or non-sexual parts of her body (for example, her eyes or hands). Don’t be blatantly sexual. Most of all listen to what she has to say. Play off of that. Flirtation is all about her – not about you. So “how to flirt with women” correctly is done by paying attention to her – so don’t start bragging and talking about yourself.
Now if you do these things you will create a little sexual excitement on the part of most women. I would say about sixty percent of women would respond to the above in a positive way in a normal situation. (Not a bar or club or walking down the street.)
What about the other forty percent? Well that requires about fifteen other strategies. “How to flirt with women” in these cases requires things like “negative sex talk”, ignoring them, being close and ignoring them, paying attention to another woman, being cocky and funny, “positive sex talk”, being super romantic, talking dirty, being shy, etc. Things I talk about elsewhere…..
But let me say one other thing here about flirtation and how to flirt with women correctly with respect to all of these other strategies. Most people think sexual interest and flirtation starts with positive sexual talk, but it doesn’t. The lowest level of flirtation especially in uncomfortable situations is “negative sex talk”.
Negative sexual talk is talking about not having sex, or not wanting to have sex, or talking about someone else who is into sex as creepy, disgusting, or characterizing them in some other negative way, etc. This is the lowest form of sexual interest and flirtation someone can show you. Because they still ARE talking about sex. And they are talking about it with YOU.
People who really aren’t interested in sex or you, don’t bring it up at all, and really don’t get “into it” if you bring it up. I learned about this one day, when I was driving a fellow student home from college. She invited me up to her apartment, but quickly informed me that I couldn’t have sex with her. Since, I had shown her no sexual interest, and since I really wasn’t interested, I found this rather odd. A few weeks later she seduced me. She got me to have sex with her when I didn’t want to and wasn’t really attracted to her. This is when I put it all together. She was attracted to me from the very first. And her negative comment about “not having sex” was the level at which she began her sexual flirting.)
So if a girl is not into flirting at “positive sexual talk” try a little “negative sexual talk” and see what happens. And that my friend is how to flirt with women correctly.
How To Flirt With Women
Mr. L. Rx – “How To Flirt With Women” copyright (c) 2010
Ninety percent of the women I go out with on a first date, want to have a sexual relationship with me by the end of that first date. So guys have asked me, “What is the biggest mistake guys make on the first date that prevents ever having a second date or developing a sexual relationship (rather than a friendship)?”
Well there are several mistakes a guy can make on a first date. Let me summarize them here then go into more detail.
MISTAKES GUYS MAKE ON A FIRST DATE ARE:
1) Talking about yourself too much. Trying to be interesting instead of INTERESTED.
2) NOT ASKING QUESTIONS AND NOT LISTENING ENOUGH.
3) FOCUSING TOO MUCH ON SEX– either overtly or by innuendo.
4) NOT USING SUBTLETIES ENOUGH (What a woman understands).
5) NOT DEVELOPING SEXUAL FLOW OR INTEREST.
6) NOT CREATING FUTURE. (A relationship is ALL about FUTURE.)
The first mistake that most guys make is that they go on the first date and talk all about themselves, sort of strut around telling the girl that he’s got this car, and he’s got this job and he talks and talks and talks, bragging about this and that, trying to impress the girl that he is a good catch.
The guy thinks he is making a good first date impression. But what the girl sees on this first date is a self-centered egomaniac that isn’t going to be able to take care of her at all, because he is not interested in her and doesn’t listen to what she has to say. Not a good relationship prospect. Not a good first date impression.
Another way of saying it is that guys try to be interesting. They figure they have to be interesting for a girl to be interested in them. Sorry guys, but it doesn’t work that way. You have to be INTERESTED in the girl, not INTERESTING to get her attention. Did you ever see two interesting people on a first date. It is hilarious! They are both so busy trying to be interesting to the other that neither has time to be interested in the other.
Want to make a good first date impression on a woman? Then be INTERESTED.
If you don’t know what I am talking about, then think of a typical first date. What makes you feel better, a girl who is INTERESTED in you? or a girl who is telling you how cool she is, how hot she is, etc. and all kinds of other INTERESTING things?
INTERESTING leads to a lot of rejection and “platonic” friendships by the way. Girls will be friends with a guy who is really interesting. Why? Girls like to be amused and entertained. Interesting men are sort of like children to them. A source of non-sexual amusement and pleasure….. and the guy wonders why women just want to be friends with him after the first date.
Then there are the guys who are SCARED S***less and don’t know what to say on a first date. So they say all kinds of useless and banal and irrelevant stuff to again be INTERESTING to the girl.
Then there are guys who dread silence on a first date. So whenever there is a silent moment they feel awkward and have to fill the silence with some noise, so they open their mouths and say something trite and banal again just to keep the conversation going and again to be INTERESTING to the girl. THEY AREN’T. You don’t have to fill silence with verbal chatter. Maybe it is a good time for some non-verbal communication like a smile, or a light touch.
Ninety percent of the girls I have a first date with want to go out with me again and have a relationship with me. WHY? Well the biggest factor is I am INTERESTED in getting to know them. So I never come scripted, I am always just there and I ask questions designed to get to know the person in front of me. THE SECRET: Well, I just said part of it, so here is all of it,
I AM INTERESTED. I ASK QUESTIONS and then I LISTEN TO THE ANSWERS. Based on the answer they give, I may ask another question or I might say something that I know they would be interested in knowing because of what they just said.
MOST of the time I spend about 80% of my time on a date LISTENING. Girls like that. And that is the way best you can approach a first date. Be willing to listen!
ANOTHER BIG MISTAKE GUYS MAKE on a first date that prevents a second date is putting too much conversation attention on sex, sexual topics, sexual innuendos, and her looks.
ALL WOMEN THINK that ALL GUYS JUST WANT SEX. So basically, they are right and guys have to realize that girls have our number and are not impressed by it. GIRLS already KNOW you want sex. She wouldn’t even be there on the first date, if she weren’t vaguely OK with the concept of having sex with you. What she wants to know is: WHAT ELSE do you want? What ELSE do you like about her? What ELSE can you do for her? What ELSE do you have in common with her? How ELSE can you have fun together?
So, LISTEN to what she talks about, because if you listen you will get clues.
GIRLS communicate in SUBTLETIES and like to be communicated to with SUBTLETIES.
As a rule I NEVER tell a good looking woman she is good looking until the third or fourth date. That is a subtle communication that tells her that I am not like all the other guys who kiss her behind.
So, you see, you don’t have to tell a woman how pretty she is on a first date. (Especially if she is gorgeous, because she gets so much of this so often, it actually becomes a turn-off to her.) You can compliment her on her dress, or her shoes, or you can say she has a nice personality (find something non-sexual you like about her and compliment it) or you could say (but only once and non-repetitively) she has pretty eyes, or a cute nose, or a nice smile, or she has pretty hands. (Always pick a non-sexual part of the body to compliment).
So if you don’t talk about yourself and sex. What DO you talk about on a first date? Talk about whatever the girl wants to talk about. LISTEN, and base your conversation off of what she is interested in. Ask questions about her . BUT you should have two goals for the night..
First Date Goals:
1) DEVELOPING SEXUAL FLOW OR INTEREST.
Now you don’t want to TALK about SEXUAL stuff too much, but that does not mean you don’t want to get the old sexual juices going. BUT you do that mostly non-verbally (unless she starts a sexual conversation with you.)
Now some of the DATING GURUS have real good courses on how a man can be sexy and get a woman’s attention sexually. (David DeAngelo’s course comes to mind.) And this is an in depth topic that is much too deep for my article here. So let’s just say it is done with posture, manners, attitude, movement, voice rhythms, and the occasional moving in close and the withdrawing, or light touch or holding of the hand momentarily. Verbally it is done with the right gradient of topic. If you do it right, the woman will always give you a goodnight kiss as a way of further testing that sector out, and let you know by her non-verbal signals, whether you should continue or just let it go with a simple light kiss. It is better to develop it, make the woman want more, and walk away than to overreach and destroy everything else you have built up here. A simple hug, or a light kiss or the cheek or the mouth is what I do on 90% of the time on a first date that I am interested in.
2) CREATE FUTURE
What is future? Well, if you are going to have a relationship with someone, rather than just a first-date-goodbye. You have to have some future interaction. AND FUTURE IS NOT, “Can we go out again sometime?” That is definitely NOT FUTURE. That is a plea! Begging! And this will definitely scare them away. (Watch “Blind Date” on TV some time.)
Future is scheduling something that you both would be interested in doing for whatever reasons, sometime in the future. Something with value to both of you. YOU may want to have SEX with the girl right away in the future. BUT SHE DOESN’T- not yet. She wants to get to know you a little better. So FUTURE is a way that she can get to know you a little better, before deciding if she wants to have a sexual relationship with you or not. GIRLS LIKE THAT. And girls like guys who understand that.
YOU SEE, the girl wouldn’t go out on the first date with you if there weren’t some possibility that she could have sex with you. (BEING THERE is a subtle communication. She wouldn’t be there if she wasn’t somewhat interested.) So, unless you blow it, you will get sex eventually. HOWEVER, most guys DO blow it 9 out of 10 times instead of closing as I do 9 out of 10 times.
So how to create FUTURE? Well on a first date it is relatively easy. APPLY what I have said above. ASK QUESTIONS and LISTEN. She will tell you something that gives you a subtle opportunity to see her again, and it should be something she would be really interested in and it won’t scare her off.
EXAMPLE OF WHAT WORKS:
While you are listening she talks about the math class she is taking in college she is having trouble with. You happen to be a math genius. You simply say, “Well, I am really good at math. If you would like some help with your homework, let me know.” Then shut up. If she is interested in you, she will take the bait and say, “Yeah, oh I would so appreciate that” or something of the sort. If you have totally blown it by now and she doesn’t want your help despite her learning disability, she won’t take the bait. THAT WON’T HAPPEN unless you violated something else I have talked about here, and you talked about yourself too much, tried to be interesting, didn’t listen, talked about sex or how pretty she was too much.
Another example is, while you are listening she says how she really likes to go dancing. So if you like dancing you say, “Really? Me too. I love dancing, let’s do that sometime.” Or if you don’t like to dance, don’t lie. Say, “Really? Then maybe you could help me because I don’t know a thing about dancing but I think it’s time I learned. Do you think you could teach me a little sometime?”
GET IT? Come up with something you guys could do in the future that she and you would really like to do, that’s not a first date plea, “Can we go out again?”
By the way, FUTURE is the key to meeting girls on the street, in the store, etc. Lots of girls will give you their phone numbers but about 90% of the beautiful women I know say they would never have a relationship with someone they met that way. BUT if you can establish FUTURE right there on the street or on the first call you can destroy those odds. And REMEMBER FUTURE is NOT, “Can we go out sometime?” To a woman that just means you want sex, and you are asking for it before you have established any other value to her.
You see, meeting girls who work in stores or restaurants is easier than stopping them on the street, because the situation already has future built in. You know where they work, you can come back again and again, she can get to know you, FUTURE you see.
But, stopping a girl on the street and establishing FUTURE. Now that can be a challenge. But, I’ve done it. Many times. You apply the same principles above. Don’t talk about yourself. Be interested in her. Ask questions. Listen to the answers. When she says the opportune thing that you can tell has value to her then jump right in with some FUTURE.
Mr. L. Rx
Like the article? Then buy the book that covers it all – from meeting, attracting, picking up, flirting with, seducing, and talking to women, to relating to women, securing a girlfriend or wife, recovering a lost girlfriend or wife, and knowing what to do to keep your girlfriend or wife forever – And you can do this no matter what you look like, or how old or how poor you are. – Dating To Relating From A To Z!
Dating to Relating – from A to Z (A man’s guide to Understanding women)
“How I went from Stupid to Smart in just 50 years” or
“How and Why I got more dates with, relationships with and proposals from Hot Young Woman at age 50 than I did at age 25.
(This is an eBook and is available for download immediately after purchase. CLICK HERE TO ORDER BOUND VERSION If you would like a bound version shipped to you.)
Excerpt From Dating To Relating – From A to Z – “How To Pick Up Women in Bars and Clubs”
EXAMPLES
Let me give you some concrete examples of what I am talking about. Here is what I did 25 years a go in the bars to pick up women. And by the way, I’ve tested it, and it still works today!
First of all I stood around for about a month and did nothing. I was scared shitless. I had just gotten divorced (from a wife who was also my first girl friend) and I was shy and didn’t have much experience with women.
Love Girls: So for the first month I just stood around and observed. One of the things I observed early on was Love Girls. Love Girls were women who came into the bar usually late (about 11 or 12) and basically they were looking to get laid. They were great looking, confident women. They always walked in alone (NOT with a girl friend) and they walked slowly and sexily through the club. They looked every man in their path directly in the eyes, but I observed the typical guy would get shy and embarrassed and would look away. He would then gulp down some alcohol and I could see him trying to build up his courage to go back at her. However, the Love Girls would move on and if no guy did the right thing she would walk through the club and then LEAVE. (She wanted to get laid and wasn’t going to waste time with a bunch of losers who didn’t know how to pick up women. She would just move on to the next club.)
Every once in awhile, however, I would notice some guy would walk up to one of these Love Girls as she walked buy and simply ask her to dance. “Would you like to dance.” Nothing more and nothing less. I then noticed whenever this happened the “Love Girl” would always say “Yes” no matter what the guy looked like and then they would go out on the dance floor and dance for half and hour or so, then they would leave together.
So after a few observations, I tried it. I walked right up to a Love Girl and said “Would you like to dance” she said “Yes” We danced for awhile, definitely in the sex grove, then I asked her if she wanted to go to my place. Again she said “yes.” We went to my place and of course had sex.
Pick up women? This was easy!
Not only did it work with the first “Love Girl”, but it worked over and over again. All I had to do was SPOT a love girl– by her characteristic walk, dress, attitude, confront, etc. then the rest was easy. Then I got even smarter when I spotted this band one day. There were a dozen or so Love Girls in the audience. But NOW they were REALLY horny because they all thought this band was real sexy. Well this time, I just turned to the girl in back of me who was real hot and sexy, and with out a word I just started kissing her (remember this was the 70’s before AIDS. So I wouldn’t do and wouldn’t suggest stuff like this now. I am just using it for illustration PURPOSES.) She kissed me back, and after a few moment of making out , without a word, I took her hand and we went out side to the parking lot, got in my car, and had sex right there, then came back into the club, when we were done. I don’t know and never even asked her her name.
Pick up women? This was easy pickings!
After that, I made a point of getting this band’s schedule and started following them. Worked Like a charm. A number of years later I also found that if I went to the bars that had the male stripper shows for girls only, right after the show was over, there were always a bunch of horny Love Girls on the spot no fail. What an easy was to pick up women!
Pick Up Women
The Tease: Another observation I made over the course of time were the beautiful women, who purposely teased men. They flirted with you, but when you went over to hit on them, they would eventually go cold, after a while they would totally ignore you. This tease left you totally confused, after all, how many women flirt with you, hit up on you? She had to like you right? Well, these girls always had a cadre of frustrated men following them wherever they went, kissing their assess and confused.
Pick up women? These women were hard!
But I began to notice that the only guys who ever left with these teases, or ended up dating them, were the guys who totally ignored them, who seemed like they could care less, Then one day I just got it. It came to me in a brainstorm. I realized that you had to ignore a tease, get her to hit on you and keep her hitting on you all the way into bed by continuing to ignore her. But the question was: How do you communicate to some one you are ignoring? Well the answer ended up in a technique similar to what “Mystery” uses now a day. I would simply walk over to one of theses hot teases, position myself right next to her (but not looking at her–sort of shoulder to shoulder–close enough that she could hear me but not close enough that she would take my position as showing any interest in her) and then I would wait for another hot girl to walk by or close. As soon as one did, I would shake my head as if to myself, and mutter some comment such as “Is she hot or what?” or “Wow.”
No matter what I said it was always a comment on how hot the girl who walked by was. I would always end the comment by looking at the tease, as if she were just some stranger, who I was randomly expressing my delight in “the girl who just walked by” to. WITHOUT FAIL, the tease would very shortly always then tell me in one way or another that guys do to her what I just did to this other girl ALL the time.
Pick up women? Hmmmm, I was getting warm!
(NOW HERE IS THE CLOSE) I would look at her like she was a little nuts, like she wasn’t hot at all, but would say very politely (as if feigning politeness) “Really” or some such comment to get her to talk some more. (Of course they would always go on and on at this point trying to convince me how hot they were, and after 15-30 minutes or so, I would say something like “Look, maybe you ARE a good looking women, it’s just perhaps hard for me to see it because you are definitely NOT my type” (I would then describe my type to be the opposite of whatever they were. If they were blonde I liked brunettes. If they had big ones, I liked little ones, etc.) Then I would say “But did you ever consider that perhaps men like you NOT for the way you look, but for your personality, because after listening to you here for awhile, I THINK you have a great personality and maybe that is why men like you.
After those words the Tease was mine. They would invariably say. “Oh my god, I have never met a guy like you in my life. I can’t believe you. I have never had a guy say he likes my personality. (Rightfully so, because they were usually perceived by men as cold bitches.) You are so interesting…
From that point, the girl would invite me out, and generally increase the gradient of flirting and teasing to get a reaction out of me as she typically got from all those other men, and when she didn’t get the reaction, she would up the ante of flirting, until she eventually, jumped me (had sex with me) to get a reaction. (It usually took 3 dates.) But, of course, I knew from months of observation, that if I ever admitted I was attracted to her, if, I ever took the lead and hit on her, or let her know that I was really attracted to her and was lying, it would be over. So, I never did. Instead, I only complimented her personality, and if I said anything about her physically, I always did it as if I was being polite and trying not to hurt her feelings. Or I would say something that gave her a sense of progress (the idea that they were winning me over) but never a full compliment–something like “You are still not my type, but you are looking more attractive to me then when I first met you. Who knows, maybe I COULD see you as totally beautiful some day. “Eventually, as I said, they would tease me all the way into bed. And even after sex, when they asked me “Was it good” I would simply respond ” it was Ok…but that is not important, what is important is that you are a great person, and I really like you.” (Now this was never hard to do, because Teases without variation, were the worse lovers as a group that I ever met.)
Pick up women? Wow! This worked like a charm!
After a while I got to understand what was really going on with these girls and why they did what they did. They were all beautiful girls who were made to feel unconfident as children. They were all told they were ugly and such things, when they in fact weren’t. So they grew up with low self esteem and were actually very afraid of men. Somewhere along the line, however, they learned that men reacted well to them and that they could get men to do anything they wanted by flirting with them. In their minds, they still did not think men did this because they were good looking, they just thought men did it because men were horny and easy to manipulate. So, when they flirt with a man, and the man reaches and aggresses back, these girls basically get scared and run away. They are working on their self confidence, however, that is why they are in the bar every day or every weekend. And when I didn’t aggress against them sexually, but told them I liked them, I gave them a safe zone. They weren’t afraid of me. So they raised the bar and tried to “win me over” so to speak. Winning me over, made them feel better about themselves. And of course got me laid. This strategy worked 100% of the time.
Pick up women.
Then there were the regular girls, I use to call them GRADIENT GIRLS. I called them that because after a lot of observations I noticed that to pick up women of this type, there was a gradient scale of sexual reach or interest I had to use. Here it is:
First there is negative sexual talk. (This is talking about not having sex, or not wanting to have sex, or talking about someone else who is into sex as creepy, disgusting, or characterizing them in some other negative way, etc. This is the lowest form of sexual interest someone can show you. Because they still ARE talking about sex. And they are talking about it with YOU. People who really aren’t interested in sex or you don’t bring it up at all, and really don’t get “into it” if you bring it up. I learned about this one day, when I was driving a fellow student home from college. She invited me up to her apartment, but quickly informed me that I couldn’t have sex with her. Since, I had shown her no sexual interest, and since I really wasn’t interested, I found this rather odd. A few weeks later she seduced me. She got me to have sex with her when I didn’t want to and wasn’t really attracted to her. This is when I put it all together. She was attracted to me from the very first. And her negative comment about “not having sex” was the level at which she began her sexual flirting.) Now keep this in mind because if you want to pick up women, learning negative sex talk is a must.
Then positive sexual talk.
Then Eye Contact
Then slight brief touching
Then extended touching.
Then kissing,
Petting,
Heavy petting,
Intercourse.
Now most people think sexual interest starts and “how to pick up women” starts with positive sexual talk, but it doesn’t. And the funny thing about this gradient scale is that you have to match the level the other person is at or you can lose a prospect very quickly. So if a girl is into flirting at “negative sexual talk” and you try to come on her at “positive sexual talk” you will lose her.
Now most of your regular girls hanging out in clubs, whether with or without girlfriends, have a negative view towards guys. They think guys who are there just want to pick up women and have sex, etc. And they are probably right. So the way I would come on to a regular girl in a club, was simple. I would stand next to her (similar to the Tease Girl above) and wait for some guy to hit on some girls in a stupid way that confirms what most girls thinks about guys. I would then make a comment about how stupid that was, etc. sort of out loud to myself or whomever was around (sort of like I did with the Tease Girl) ending by looking at her in disbelief. She would then chime in very quickly about how stupid it was, and from there I would lead the conversation into a negative “sex talk” about how I hated clubs, hated all the games and meat market stuff that goes on, etc. This would usually go on for about 15-30 minutes and then she would invariably say the magic words: “But you are different” to which I would reply “Yeah, you are different too.” From there it could go in many directions depending on the girls. We might dance, or continue in an engaging conversation, but now the conversation was into positive sexual talk, from there we would start with the little touches etc, and eventually it would lead to making out, petting, heavy petting, kissing, etc.
Pick Up Women
Now none of these techniques are “Cocky and Funny” or any such, and by the way Cocky and Funny DOES work on a small band of girls in the club (and in life) too. I would label them the Boredom girls.
But if you want to learn how to pick up women successfully and in quantity, here is the principal behind Cocky and Funny and the Love Girl, Tease Girl and Regular Girl techniques. And that principal is not to be “Cocky and Funny” but rather to be “Interesting and Unique.”
You see the guy who has the balls to walk up to and confront the horny “Love Girl” is interesting and unique to her because most guys are too scared to do it. But he is definitely Not Cocky and Funny. He only has to open his mouth and confidently ask her to dance. The guy who tells the “Tease Girl” she’s not that hot, but has a good personality is “Interesting and Unique” to her, because ALL guys reach at these girls and tell then how beautiful they are. The guy who can dish out negative sex talk to a “Regular Girl” is “Interesting and Unique” to her because she never finds guys like this in the club. And of course the Boredom Girls, who get guy after guy after guy hitting on them and kissing their ass find “Cocky and Funny” totally Interesting and Unique. Boredom girls are a kind of a random, casual and pointless-talk band of girl, and Cocky and Funny is random and pointless talk. The other techniques are more directed.
There are other types of girls too. And combination of types. We will go over some of these others in later chapters.
Some techniques are Quick and Easy and some techniques are pure seduction and can take a very long time. We will also go over some of these in later chapters.
Mr. L. Rx
Like the article? The buy the book that covers it all – from meeting, attracting, picking up, flirting with, seducing, and talking to women in any situation, to relating to women, securing a girlfriend or wife, recovering a lost girlfriend or wife, and knowing what to do to keep your girlfriend or wife forever – And you can do this no matter what you look like, or how old or how poor you are. – Dating To Relating From A To Z!
Dating to Relating – from A to Z (A man’s guide to Understanding women)
“How I went from Stupid to Smart in just 50 years” or
“How and Why I got more dates with, relationships with and proposals from Hot Young Woman at age 50 than I did at age 25.
(This is an eBook and is available for download immediately after purchase. CLICK HERE TO ORDER BOUND VERSION If you would like a bound version shipped to you.)
How To Pick Up Women In Bars And Clubs (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Pick Up Women In Bars (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Pick Up Women In Clubs (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Pick Up Women When Out And About (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Pick Up Women In Dance Clubs (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Pick Up Women When Clubbing (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Pick Up Women When Bar Hopping (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Pick Up Women While Clubbing (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Pick Up Women Hanging Out In Bars And Clubs (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Pick Up Women Frequenting Bars And Clubs (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
How To Pick Up Women Dancing In Bars And Clubs (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
Last week one of my friends asked a question about how to approach women, that I thought was worth discussing. He asked me how to overcome fears that pop up sometimes when we approach women for the first time or even the hundredth time – fears we get even when things are going good.
The truth is it is not an easy question to answer as it varies from person to person. There are literally entire books that have been written on the subject of how to approach women. However, one of the best techniques I have used to overcome my fears usually involves lowering the gradient.
What are gradients? Gradients are like steps on a ladder. If you try to go to the top of the ladder on your first step, it will be impossible and you will fail. If you keep trying it over and over you will start building up a “complex” about failing, and soon not try anymore.
If you try to jump up five or six steps on your first try, it will also be scary – not necessarily impossible but scary. Probability is that if you have no experiences jumping that high you will fail too.
The right approach is to take the first step and then advance, one step at a time. It is the most comfortable way to climb a ladder.
Approach Women
Here are some examples of how I apply that to overcome fears that pop up in approaching women for the first time or one hundredth time.
As most guys do, I often go out to approach women in a social setting. This can be especially scary. So when I am approaching a beautiful woman in a social setting, rather than telling her how beautiful she is and how much I am attracted to her (which exposes my fear of being shot down in front of a lot of people and embarrassed) I lower the gradient of approach and simply say, “Hi.” If a girl likes you or is interested in you she will find a way to continue the conversation. If she doesn’t then I know she is not interested in me and the simple “Hi” just appears that I am friendly, not necessarily even flirting, so I don’t feel shot down in front of other people.
If I am starting to date a girl and I feel fearful about approaching her on taking the next step of getting intimate with her, I don’t ask her, “Do you want to get intimate?” I take a lower gradient and ask her if she wants to relax, get cozy, and just watch TV at my house. If she doesn’t want to get intimate she certainly won’t want to be alone with me, getting cozy at my house. Or rather than trying to suddenly “kiss her”, I will simply hold her hand or give her light touches every now and again to see how responsive she is to my touch. If she likes my touch she will start touching me back to give me the go ahead signal.
Sometimes when I am fearful of confronting a woman about making a move, I even use “multiple choice” as a test of gradients. When planning a date and fearful to approach her directly on the subject of coming over to my house, I might say, “Do you want to (a) go to a movie? (b) go out to dinner? (c) meet up with our friends at the party? or (d) stay home and watch TV and cuddle?
That way I don’t feel rejected if she doesn’t choose (d) as I didn’t directly suggest that we had to do that. But if she does select (d) I know she is ready to take it to the next level.
These are some examples. When you feel uncomfortable and fearful whether approaching a woman for the first time or someone you are dating, on a subject matter you are uncomfortable with, just try to think of a lower gradient that isn’t as scary and allows you to make forward progress toward your goal. If you do this you will learn how to approach women and how to relate to them very quickly.
How To Approach Women (c) 2010 by Dating To Relating, Inc.
A lot of guys think that foreplay is having to kiss your girlfriend or wife before she lets you have intercourse. Well a lot of guys think they are great lovers, but a lot of women have other thoughts about that…. I have different thoughts about foreplay.
Foreplay, what is that? Good question.
Foreplay is whatever creates a little sex flow between you and your girl and holds it there in place so she and you can think about it and enjoy the build up and anticipation of what is eventually to come.
Another way of saying it is that foreplay is what “gets you or your partner ready” for the sex act. Since guys are just about biologically ready for the sex act “all the time”, guys seem to forget the value of foreplay, after all, it is something they have to do for someone else — not themselves.
Bad way of looking at it. Why? Foreplay is not just for established couples already having sex. Foreplay is what prepares a woman to have sex with you. Hence, any woman you would like to have sex with that you are NOT having sex with would require foreplay.
So foreplay has a role in meeting women, attracting women, picking up women, dating women, having a relationship with women, and making love to women.
Flirting is foreplay….
I got married at 22 to my first girlfriend, and though I had sex for 5 or 6 years before we got divorced, I never actually made love until after I broke up with and divorced my wife. Why? We were both pretty inexperienced. Looking back, we had plenty of sex, but hardly any foreplay. The first time I actually made love, I was seduced. And there was hours and hours of foreplay.
So after getting divorced, I stood around bars and clubs nightly for a month or two. After a while I started learning a few things. Then I started having sex daily (one night standers) with different women. (This was the 70’s — free love — pre-AIDS.) Man, did I get a lot of experience then. These woman taught me stuff. Stuff, I didn’t know, but now do.
One of the things I learned is that women like and need foreplay to enjoy sex. And apparently it made it a whole lot better for me too!
A Woman’s, unlike a man’s , sexual organ takes a while to physically respond to sexual stimuli and urges. Men can be ready in a minute, women take a little longer. But mentally I think men and woman are more even. Foreplay can mentally prepare either sex in such a way as to make the love making experience a whole lot better.
I feel that usually at least an hour of bedroom foreplay is a minimal amount of time to prepare myself and a woman both mentally and physically for the sex act.
But foreplay can go on longer than that….
Foreplay.
The best kind of foreplay is Romance….you know, shopping with your girl in the mall, holding hands as you walk, having a sexy conversation and flirtation at lunch. Little kisses and touches throughout the day. Getting so turned on that you both can’t wait to go home.
Foreplay can go on for hours and hours and hours.
When you are in the bedroom, foreplay is kissing and kissing and kissing, touching, touching and touching. It can be role playing, talking about your fantasies, taking a bath or shower together, feeding each other, or watching sexy movies, or whatever other little sexy games you are into, if you are into that.
So how do you know when it is the right time to end the foreplay and start in on the sex act itself? Well, when you are young and stupid, you don’t think about anyone but yourself. You start kissing your girl and a minute later you have an erection. Two minutes later you have her clothes off and you are trying to stick it in. Why? Because your thought is “If I’m feeling it, she must be feeling it too. See she’s kissing me passionately isn’t she? She must be feeling it.” But, when you try to put it in, it won’t go, so she offers to get out the old lubricant. She does and 10 minutes later it is all over. “I didn’t have an orgasm,” she complains. “You want me to do something?” you ask, even though you are really no longer interested. “Never mind,” she says.
It is a shame how many women out there have never been made love to properly. It is amazing how many women think that lubricant is normal, have never had a vaginal orgasm, or have never experienced multiple orgasms.
MEN, good sex for woman starts with FOREPLAY. Consider this your call to duty!
So, here are some basic principles for guys in relationships (if you want to know how to use foreplay to meet and attract and pick up women, see some of my other articles):
1) Always devote at least an hour to foreplay when you are in the bedroom. And use romance as foreplay throughout the week, days, and hours leading up to the bedroom. Women like to talk. Talking (and you listening) can be a very sexy foreplay for a woman.
2) Never, never, never, try to have intercourse with a woman until her private parts are soaking wet with anticipation. If she is not wet, she is not ready. She needs more foreplay. (And actually even if she is soaking wet, she probably still wants more.)
3) Always, always, always make sure your girl has an orgasm before you do. Why? Because it is no fun having sex with someone who only takes care of themselves and then is too tired to do anything about you. If your girl has multiple orgasms then she might need to orgasm two, three or four times before you do. If you don’t know what multiple orgasms are then try some more foreplay and look up “tantra technique” on the internet. Not all women have multiple orgasms, but if you do your part right, most are capable of it.
Now these are generalizations, there are exceptions to the things I have written here. (For example, there is a small percentage of women who always need lubricant because of a medical condition.) But, if you know anything about my philosophy, from my other in depth writing, you know I am totally into situational technique. But the above is fairly consistent for about 80% of women I’ve experienced.
Foreplay
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How To Get Your Wife or Girlfriend To Want More Sex
The biggest complaint that guys in relationships have is not getting enough sex from their wife or girlfriend. I often get the question, “Why don’t women want more sex?” or “How do I get more sex from my girl?”
In a recent AskMen.com poll 44% of men said (when asked about their overall sex life): “I wish I had sex more frequently.”
On our website, DatingToRelating.com, in a poll of single men “How to Get Your Wife Or Girlfriend To Want More Sex” and “How To Get Sex More Often” were two of the books single men were most interested in reading.
In other words men want more sex from women, and want to learn how to get more sex from women.
Guys I’ve talked to sometimes think that women just aren’t as sexual or into sex as much as guys. That women don’t want more sex.
My experience, however, has been to the contrary. Women are by far MORE sexual and enjoy sex much more than men do. Their orgasms typically last longer and as a group they are much more capable of multiple orgasms than men.
Yet, is very typical to hear a married guy complain that he only gets sex from his wife or girlfriend once a month. And of course it has been the subject of many a comedy on TV and in the movies.
So why is it, if women are more sexual than men (and probably want more sex too) that men are the ones who are usually complaining about not getting enough sex?
Want More Sex?
The answer lies in two differences between men and women.
1) Women don’t get physically turned on as easily as men. And conversely women get turned off more easily than men. So if I guy is not doing or saying the right things to his girl, she won’t get turned on, and in fact might get turned off and not want more sex.
2) Combine that with the fact that women have one ability that men don’t have and you will start to get a better understanding of the situation. Even though women are more sexual and enjoy sex more deeply than men are capable of, women are also capable of going without sex for longer periods of time. Women are not as sexually “needy” as men. They want more sex but don’t need more sex.
Let’s put it another way – Sex is first and foremost a “quality” thing for women.
Look at some of the women’s complaints in polls:
90% of women reported that they wished their partner kissed them more or with more passion.
65% of women felt their partner did not have a good kissing technique.
So you see men are more into quantity and women are more into quality.
But, here is what you should know, if you give a women the “quality” of sexual relations that she is desiring then she will want the quantity. She will want more sex. And when you really turn your woman on, and she is in the quality and quantity mode, most women will have most men on the mat screaming “No Mas” in a short period of time.
So if your woman is not having sex with you as frequently as you’d like, then you can safely assume that you are not doing something right in the “quality” department. You are either turning her off or not turning her on – in any case you are doing something wrong. And that is why she doesn’t want more sex.
Now, what do guys do wrong to mess up the frequency of their sex life? Well, there are probably hundreds of answers to that one and millions of unique variations on the theme. But, here are some of the more basic and frequent mistakes that men make in their relationships with women.
First let’s look at what guys can do to turn women off.
1) Being a slob, smelly, or physically disgusting. I don’t think I have to go into this too much, but if you want more sex, you might try approaching your woman when you are fresh and clean, rather than dirty and smelly. If you like to have sex when you go to bed at night, try taking a shower first. Make sure she knows you are doing that, then get romantic.
2) Not taking care of your responsibilities as a man. Most often it is not about being dirty and smelly but about not doing your job as a man. Men are supposed to support a family. They are supposed to take care of women. Although women are liberated these days and work and earn money like men, that doesn’t mean that having to work and support a family turns them on. Most women are okay with contributing to the support of the family unit or boyfriend/girlfriend team, but when they start contributing more than the man and the man is plainly not doing his fair share because he is lazy or some such other trait, that’s when women get a little turned off and resentful and consequently don’t want more sex.
3) Sometimes, it is not about career and the responsibilities of manhood, but about equality of effort and fair exchange amongst group members. So when the guy and the woman both have jobs and the guy is holding his own and even making a little more than the woman, that is all good except when they both come home and she is expected to clean up the house and do his laundry while he sits around lazily and drinks beer. I’ll tell you that certainly doesn’t make a woman want more sex with you.
You see, all of the above scenarios are mood killers for women. Even though women may tolerate some of these behaviors at first, in a long term relationship these kinds of behaviors eventually catch up with them and start killing the mood and create an overall atmosphere where they don’t want more sex.
4) On top of that is communication. Because of the above perceived inequities women will start “bitching” at men about their career or their responsibilities or their chores at home, etc. When men are unresponsive to communication, to discussing and handling the complaints, etc. there is only one direction for the communication to go – less sex. She is not turned on. She can’t change anything about it with communication, so she just becomes not interested in sex . Some women may even consciously withhold sex on purpose to get across to you that “something is wrong” and that “we need to talk.” So when it looks like a woman doesn’t want more sex, it could be a cry for communication.
When a guy still doesn’t get what this “lack of sexual interest” is really about, the relationship becomes doomed to one of mediocrity or eventual breakup.
I think the majority of “lack of sexual interest” exhibited by women is the result of the above perceived inequities – which really just turn women off sexually.
Occasionally however, it is not because of the above, it is because of a failure to turn women on properly, that sexual interest is lost. A woman may not want more sex because a man is just failing to turn her on.
Most commonly it is actually both things at once, because most men who are turning women off are simultaneously failing to turn them on. So most guys who are not getting sex often enough need to work both on turning women on as well as not turning women off. However, occasionally there are guys who are not turning women off, they just aren’t doing a very good job at turning women on. That is an easier case to handle.
What mistakes do guys make in regards to turning women on? Here are the four most common mistakes that I find men making with respect to turning women on and getting them to want more sex.
1) No Romance – Now I’ve talked about this one extensively in my other writings. So let me just put it simply here. You can’t stop romancing a girl after you get her to be your girlfriend or wife. Whatever you did to get the girl, you have to keep doing it, do it more extensively, find new ways of doing it, etc. As long as you want to keep creating a relationship with this person, you have to keep creating romance with them. Romance will definitely make a woman want more sex!
2) Boring Sexual Routine – Sometimes people fall into a sexual routine that is fun a first but becomes boring when done day after day, night after night. Try some new things, vary the routine. It will help keep things fresh and interesting between the two of you. Talk about your likes and desires and new things you would like to try. Talk about your fantasies. Be willing to do things she would like to do in exchange for trying things you would like to do. If you run out of ideas, we have a free mini-course on our website, “How To Be a Great Lover” and other free materials to help you out with ideas. If you become a decent lover, women will want more sex from you.
3) Not understanding a woman’s body – a lot of guys, especially the younger ones, don’t understand a woman’s body. Women need more preparatory (before actual sex) stimulation than men. Men only have to think about it and seem to be ready to do the deed. Women need to think about it and think about it and think about it to become interested and turned on.
Extensive foreplay is a necessity for women to get physically ready and mentally ready to enjoy and get into sex. Talking, having a romantic dinner, holding hands, kissing for hours (like you did on your first dates) all prepares a woman’s body for sex and turns her on. Never, never, never try to have intercourse with a woman until she is turned on. Keep kissing, keep touching, but never have intercourse until she is totally turned on. If you do this all the time she will definitely start to want more sex.
4) Not taking a woman to multiple orgasms. Practically any woman is capable of multiple orgasms. Many think they aren’t so they don’t try and many aren’t turned on enough or are a little turned off by their lover so that prevents them from having multiple orgasms.
The reality though is practically all women can have multiple orgasms. Some need some time between orgasms, while others are little orgasmic machines that can continue having orgasm after orgasm for hours on end. The ability to orgasm and to have multiple orgasm can be developed in women who think they are incapable by a knowledgeable man.
This is a subject that books are written on and if you don’t know how to make a women orgasm then I suggest you get one and learn how to make a woman orgasm. (See “How to Make Any Woman Orgasm” on our website.)
Give women multiple orgasms and they definitely will want more sex!
Making a women multiple orgasm is simple. You need to learn to observe your partner’s body. Learn and understand how it works. Some men are even unsure if a woman is even having an orgasm.
If you are observant you will start to observe and know when she is having an orgasm. Sometimes you can feel the orgasm tighten around you as you are having sex, other times you can feel the woman’s whole body tighten as she begins to orgasm, sometimes there is quiver or a vibration from her as she begins to orgasm, other times she begins to get vocal as she orgasms, or the opposite, she becomes silent as she begins to orgasm. My experience is that women who have multiple orgasms want more sex.
Each woman is uniquely different from my experiences, but any woman can be figured out if you just become observant.
For some women multiple orgasms are achieved outside of intercourse. My last girlfriend liked to have the first orgasm by finger or hand, the second by mouth, and the third and subsequent orgasms by intercourse. She was married to a man who didn’t know how to give her multiple orgasms before me. Man did this woman want more sex from me. She NEVER turned me down – two , three times a day.
The above may work well for a woman who becomes dry or irritated by intercourse after her first orgasm, but you can also do the reverse in that case, depending on the woman — first orgasm by intercourse then second or third orgasm by mouth or hand. Knowing which way to go can also make a woman want more sex.
For some women, orgasms are always achieved outside of intercourse. Sometimes two bodies just don’t fit together the right way to naturally create an orgasm for the woman. Be willing to give your partner an orgasm each time you have sex, any way you can – by finger or hand, by mouth, or by machine if you have to.
Please your partner. Do whatever it takes. Always think of her and her pleasure first. If you do so, I guarantee she will want more sex.
As a rule I always give my partner her orgasm or orgasms first before I orgasm as it is much harder (both physically and mentally) to give your partner an orgasm when you are flaccid.
If you learn to make a woman orgasm and multiple orgasm each time you have sex with her and you don’t do the big mistakes to turn her off up above, I guarantee you she will give you all the sex you want.
I’ve even had relationships in which we totally did not get along, but the sex was so good for her, that she could not break up with me, and even after we did break up, she would keep coming back for sex.
In conclusion, if you learn to 1) NOT do the things that turn women off, and 2) do the things that turn women on, you will probably get more sex out of your woman than you can handle. Then I will have to answer your questions when you write to me like this:
“My girl and I really have fantastic sex, and I really love her, but please, she is wearing me out, I can’t keep up with her demands for sex. What do I do to slow her down, without offending her? I don’t want more sex!”
Mr. L. Rx
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How To Get Your Wife Or Girlfriend To Want More Sex
Women like sex just as much as men do. Any notion to the contrary is uneducated and inexperienced folly.Women probably do not “need” to have sex as frequently as men “need” to have sex, but, their like of and enjoyment of sex is as great if not greater than men’s.
When a man is not getting as much sex as he would like in a relationship with a wife or girlfriend, he DEFINITELY is doing something wrong.
In this incisive and frank book, Mr. L. Rx outlines a program for men to eliminate their mistakes, and more importantly to increase the sexual desire from their wives and girlfriends.
Topics covered include what men do to “turn” women on and off, how to use “foreplay,” “body language,” “dress,” and “romance” to create sexual interest in a woman your are in a relationship with, and a frank education in “sexual techniques” that will drive any woman wild and wanting maximum sex from you.
Dating activity is not a separate beast. Rather, exercising successful dating practices is a way to learn about and better understand women so that you can establish a good healthy relationship.
Dating is basically a time (or at least should be a time) when a person meets lots of people and formulates opinions and ideas about what kind of partner one gets along with best, is most productive with, and enhances or completes one’s own abilities.
In order to do this, usually you have to meet a variety of people and see how it goes. Dating people doesn’t necessarily mean you have to have sex with them, it just means you are going out with them, spending time with them, hanging out with them and getting to know them.
The most important dating principle of all is to meet and date lots of people. You know, it is what your mom and dad told you. Don’t get serious with one person yet. Meet lots of people.
Meet lots of people and talk about relationships and dating with the people that you meet. Get other people’s perspective on “dating” and “chemistry” and “relationships” and any other thing you can. Particular attention should go to clearing up any confusions or worries you may have on any dating subject.
When I got divorced for the second time and realized I really didn’t know everything I needed to know about relationships and women, I decided I needed to just meet a lot of women. I used online dating services and personal ads and being the “advertising guy that I am” I quickly developed a flow that accumulated about 50 phone numbers a week. I called about half of these people and ended up setting up and going on two dates a day for about a year.
Now when I started my adventure I had no idea I would be doing this for a year, but truth be told, I didn’t meet anyone that I really liked, so I just kept at it until I did.
Lucky me.
So, a year or so later, I had been on over 700 dates when I finally did meet someone and I settled down into what turned out to be a 7 year relationship.
During that year of intense dating, however, I learned more about women and understanding of women than I had ever learned previously in my whole life. Sure, I knew how to pick up a woman and get sex, but that doesn’t really take a lot of understanding. I was looking for a more meaningful understanding of women. You know, what it takes to get married and live with someone day to day, happily, the rest of my life.
It was from dating and just talking to 700 women, however, that I began to develop a real good perspective on what this whole relationship game was about.
Before going out on these 700 dates, I was intimidated by good looking women, afterwards I wasn’t.
Before going out on these 700 dates, I always had sexual thoughts around any woman – good looking or not – afterwards I could look at a women I wasn’t interested in non-sexually, just as a friend. (Something women can do with men quite easily, by the way, but most men can’t reciprocate).
After going out on 700 dates I realized that there were a lot of women that I wasn’t attracted to and had no desire to have sex with, that I still really liked as a person. Conversely, I learned that there were a lot of beautiful women who were pretty much “ugly” inside. And no matter how beautiful they are on the outside, I would never want to have sex with them.
So I came out of my year of 700 dates with the ability to be friends with a woman whose personality I liked without thinking or acting sexual around her. And with the ability to say “no” to a beautiful woman with a rotten or even mediocre personality.
Before this year of 700 dates I was totally intimidated and invalidated as a being by a woman saying we didn’t have “chemistry.” (In the beginning I thought chemistry was the same for women as it was for most men – physical attraction– but it wasn’t. Woman after woman told me stories of men that they had no or little physical attraction to, developing “chemistry” by what they said and did on that first or second date.)
At the end of my 700 dates, I understood the word “chemistry” from a female’s perspective and started using it as a polite way of telling someone I wasn’t interested in them
You see, before these 700 dates, even though I had the ability to go out to a club and get laid every night of the week, even though I had been married twice and in several long term relationships, even though I was the father of 2 children, I was, like most men, bewildered and confused and totally lacking confidence when it came to relating to and understanding a woman. Simply put, they were foreign creatures – probably from Venus as the book says.
After my 700 dates, I was no longer confused. I realized that women were different than men in some ways, but in the most important way they were just like men.
And what way was that? Personality.
Woman just like men have varied and different personalities. They have rotten, mediocre and great personalities just like men. And their personality types combine with their physical types to create ugly women with great personalities, ugly women with rotten personalities, ugly women with mediocre personalities, mediocre looking women with great personalities, mediocre looking women with mediocre personalities, etc. all the way up to probably every man’s ideal of a great looking women with a great personality.
Now there is some kind of “normal curve” on this whole thing and the majority of women fall into the “mediocre looking woman with a mediocre personality” range and the “hot looking woman with the great personality” is probably like the IQ 180 type – Rare!
The point is, however, that there is more variation between personality types than there is between sexes. I hope you get this because this is huge and most men don’t get it.
The variations and differences between men and women are not as big a factor in the confusion regarding relationships as are the variations and differences in personalities within both sexes.
So, guys, it is not that “All women are evil, cruel, and vicious.” Some are and some aren’t. It’s just that you’ve been meeting the wrong ones.
Dating
So back to the point.
By meeting and dating lots of women you increase your chances of meeting someone on that normal curve who is in the same place as you. And when you do, the differences between men and women are small. It is when you meet a women who is somewhere else on that “normal curve” of personality types that it all becomes confusing. And the math of it all is that MOST women you meet are somewhere else on that curve.
What is the solution? The solution is to meet lots of women and find one that is on that same personality spot on the normal curve that you are.
Meeting and dating a lot of people is the most basic principle because it leads to self evident truth. If you just meet a lot of people (The exact number may be different for each person. For me it was 700. For someone else it may be 50. For yet another it may be 2000.) there comes a point where you naturally learn something about women and people and yourself. The natural learning you get for yourself is senior to and much better than anything I or anyone else can tell you vicariously. It also is directly applicable to you and your situation.
Other dating principles that came out of that “700 dates” experience are the following:
1) Remember that there are different personalities you will be dating and that different personalities require different interaction. Don’t ever be stuck with just “one way” of interacting with women. Try different things and see what works. Sometimes the same action on your part has almost opposite reactions on different personality types. If you observe this, you will know when to do what.
2) Use the dating experience to develop a concept of your “ideal woman.” When I noticed a quality – either physical or mental or emotional – that I really liked about a woman I would write it down. I would also write down qualities that I didn’t like, qualities that irritated me and that I was uncomfortable with.
From these lists of qualities I liked and didn’t like, I eventually developed an “ideal” for the woman I would like to marry. I now know the exact qualities I would want her to have and not have – no confusion. This is what the dating experience is for. Getting to know people and yourself. Use it!
3) “Don’t compromise your integrity” is another major dating principle. Men and women continually compromise their integrity when they are in a scarcity condition. A guy doesn’t meet women. Then he meets one women who lives down the hall from him. They start hanging out and they have sex. Then she turns into a bitch and he can hardly stand her but he likes the sex, so he puts up with it although it irritates him. Occasionally or frequently they get in fights over things because of personality clashes.
When you are meeting lots of people, it is a lot easier not to sacrifice your integrity. If someone starts acting weird, you drop them knowing there is plenty more where that came from.
4) When you are dating and meeting lots of people it also helps if you are a non-jealous person. Actually, meeting a lot of people helps you develop into a “non-jealous” person. When you see how meeting lots of people increases your certainty on knowing what kind of person you want, you don’t discourage others from doing the same.
5) It is also important while dating that you don’t get needy. There is a principle here that is totally true. If after meeting some people, you kind of get along and start hanging out together, remember, while dating, you shouldn’t go out with a person more than once or twice a week if you want to maintain a “dating” relationship.
If you start going over to the girl’s house every night or 3 or 4 times a week, or even start calling a girl every night and talking on the phone, you are acting like a boyfriend and she will start treating you like one. You will be out of the dating stage and into the boyfriend/girlfriend stage whether you like it or not. Whether you intend to do so or not.
So don’t be needy. If you are lonely, go out with another girl. I can’t tell you how many times this saved me from “false love.” False love is when you meet someone and you emotionally feel like you are in love and they are just perfect (even though you really don’t know them yet.) Usually what is going on is that you are just emotionally needy and they have some quality on the surface that you really like.
6) Another major principle when dating with the purpose of finding the right girl and developing a long term relationship is not to get involved in sex too quickly. Find out how and what a girl feels about sex before you do the deed. Have fun making out and petting but just don’t go all the way.
Having sex is used by a lot of personality types (both men and women) as a trap. If you have sex with them, then you are their boyfriend/girlfriend. So be careful – not needy. I tend to always have a sexual partner (this is a sex-only type relationship where you both just have fun and aren’t looking to take it any further) when I am dating and looking for a serious relationship and meeting lots of people. This allows me to meet people without being needy and keeps me out of the trap if there is one.
These are basic “dating” principles that will allow you to meet lots of people, help you define what it is you like, dislike and are looking for in a woman, keep your integrity to yourself in tack, and eventually help you find that special person you are looking for.
Use them wisely!
Next time I will explain how these same principles can be applied to an existing relationship for betterment. (No, I am not going to have you go out and meet 700 women while you are married. But I will show you how the principle behind meeting 700 people can be applied to one person to better the relationship!)
Dating!
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— TECHNIQUES that don’t require you to have any understanding of women at all. You can be shy, UGLY, and a geek and they will work. IN FACT these TECHNIQUES will not only get you 100’s of dates, but the sheer experience of going out on 100s of dates will give you a better understanding of women than anything you could ever read in a book–anything that I or any other GURU could ever say to you.
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Dating To Relating (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.
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