That First Date!

Ninety percent of the women I go out with on a first date, want to have a sexual relationship with me by the end of that first date. So guys have asked me, “What is the biggest mistake guys make on the first date that prevents ever having a second date or developing a sexual relationship (rather than a friendship)?”

Well there are several mistakes a guy can make on a first date. Let me summarize them here then go into more detail.

MISTAKES GUYS MAKE ON A FIRST DATE ARE:

1)      Talking about yourself too much. Trying to be interesting instead of INTERESTED.

2)      NOT ASKING QUESTIONS AND NOT LISTENING ENOUGH.

3)      FOCUSING TOO MUCH ON SEX– either overtly or by innuendo.

4)      NOT USING SUBTLETIES ENOUGH (What a woman understands).

5)      NOT DEVELOPING SEXUAL FLOW OR INTEREST.

6)      NOT CREATING FUTURE. (A relationship is ALL about FUTURE.)

The first mistake that most guys make is that they go on the first date and talk all about themselves, sort of strut around telling the girl that he’s got this car, and he’s got this job and he talks and talks and talks, bragging about this and that, trying to impress the girl that he is a good catch.

The guy thinks he is making a good first date impression. But what the girl sees on this first date is a self-centered egomaniac that isn’t going to be able to take care of her at all, because he is not interested in her and doesn’t listen to what she has to say. Not a good relationship prospect. Not a good first date impression.

Another way of saying it is that guys try to be interesting. They figure they have to be interesting for a girl to be interested in them. Sorry guys, but it doesn’t work that way. You have to be INTERESTED in the girl, not INTERESTING to get her attention. Did you ever see two interesting people on a first date. It is hilarious!  They are both so busy trying to be interesting to the other that neither has time to be interested in the other.

Want to make a good first date impression on a woman? Then be INTERESTED.

If you don’t know what I am talking about, then think of a typical first date.  What makes you feel better, a girl who is INTERESTED in you? or a girl who is telling you how cool she is, how hot she is, etc. and all kinds of other INTERESTING things?

INTERESTING leads to a lot of rejection and “platonic” friendships by the way. Girls will be friends with a guy who is really interesting. Why? Girls like to be amused and entertained. Interesting men are sort of like children to them. A source of non-sexual amusement and pleasure….. and the guy wonders why women just want to be friends with him after the first date.

Then there are the guys who are SCARED S***less and don’t know what to say on a first date. So they say all kinds of useless and banal and irrelevant stuff to again be INTERESTING to the girl.

Then there are guys who dread silence on a first date. So whenever there is a silent moment they feel awkward and have to fill the silence with some noise, so they open their mouths and say something trite and banal again just to keep the conversation going and again to be INTERESTING to the girl. THEY AREN’T. You don’t have to fill silence with verbal chatter. Maybe it is a good time for some non-verbal communication like a smile, or a light touch.

Ninety percent of the girls I have a first date with want to go out with me again and have a relationship with me. WHY? Well the biggest factor is I am INTERESTED in getting to know them. So I never come scripted, I am always just there and I ask questions designed  to get to know the person in front of me. THE SECRET: Well, I just said part of it, so here is all of it,

I AM INTERESTED. I ASK QUESTIONS and then I LISTEN TO THE ANSWERS. Based on the answer they give, I may ask another question or I might say something that I know they would be interested in knowing because of what they just said.

MOST of the time I spend about 80% of my time on a date LISTENING. Girls like that.  And that is the way best  you  can approach a first date. Be willing to listen!

ANOTHER BIG MISTAKE GUYS MAKE on a first date that prevents a second date is putting too much conversation attention on sex, sexual topics, sexual innuendos, and her looks.

ALL WOMEN THINK that ALL GUYS JUST WANT SEX. So basically, they are right and guys have to realize that girls have our number and are not impressed by it. GIRLS already KNOW you want sex. She wouldn’t even be there on the first date, if she weren’t vaguely OK with the concept of having sex with you. What she wants to know is: WHAT ELSE do you want? What ELSE do you like about her? What ELSE can you do for her? What ELSE do you have in common with her? How ELSE can you have fun together?

So, LISTEN to what she talks about, because if you listen you will get clues.

GIRLS communicate in SUBTLETIES and like to be communicated to with SUBTLETIES.

As a rule I NEVER tell a good looking woman she is good looking until the third or fourth date.  That is a subtle communication that tells her that I am not like all the other guys who kiss her behind.

So, you see, you don’t have to tell a woman how pretty she is on a first date. (Especially if she is gorgeous, because she gets so much of this so often, it actually becomes a turn-off to her.) You can compliment her on her dress, or her shoes, or you can say she has a nice personality (find something non-sexual you like about her and compliment it) or you could say (but only once and non-repetitively) she has pretty eyes, or a cute nose, or a nice smile, or she has pretty hands. (Always pick a non-sexual part of the body to compliment).

So if you don’t talk about yourself and sex. What DO you talk about on a first date? Talk about whatever the girl wants to talk about. LISTEN, and base your conversation off of what she is interested in.  Ask questions about her . BUT you should have two goals for the night..

First Date Goals:

1) DEVELOPING SEXUAL FLOW OR INTEREST.

Now you don’t want to TALK about SEXUAL stuff too much, but that does not mean you don’t want to get the old sexual juices going. BUT you do that mostly non-verbally (unless she starts a sexual conversation with you.)

Now some of the DATING GURUS have real good courses on how a man can be sexy and get a woman’s attention sexually. (David DeAngelo’s course comes to mind.) And this is an in depth topic that is much too deep for my article here. So let’s just say it is done with posture, manners, attitude, movement, voice rhythms, and the occasional moving in close and the withdrawing, or light touch or holding of the hand momentarily. Verbally it is done with the right gradient of topic. If you do it right, the woman will always give you a goodnight kiss as a way of further testing that sector out, and let you know by her non-verbal signals, whether you should continue or just let it go with a simple light kiss. It is better to develop it, make the woman want more, and walk away than to overreach and destroy everything else you have built up here. A simple hug, or a light kiss or the cheek or the mouth is what I do on 90% of the time on a  first date that I am interested in.

2) CREATE FUTURE

What is future? Well, if you are going to have a relationship with someone, rather than just a first-date-goodbye. You have to have some future interaction. AND FUTURE IS NOT, “Can we go out again sometime?” That is definitely NOT FUTURE. That is a plea! Begging! And this will definitely scare them away. (Watch “Blind Date” on TV some time.)

Future is scheduling something that you both would be interested in doing for whatever reasons, sometime in the future. Something with value to both of you. YOU may want to have SEX with the girl right away in the future. BUT SHE DOESN’T- not yet. She wants to get to know you a little better. So FUTURE is a way that she can get to know you a little better, before deciding if she wants to have a sexual relationship with you or not. GIRLS LIKE THAT. And girls like guys who understand that.

YOU SEE, the girl wouldn’t go out on the first date with you if there weren’t some possibility that she could have sex with you. (BEING THERE is a subtle communication. She wouldn’t be there if she wasn’t somewhat interested.) So, unless you blow it, you will get sex eventually. HOWEVER, most guys DO blow it 9 out of 10 times instead of closing as I do 9 out of 10 times.

So how to create FUTURE? Well on a first date it is relatively easy. APPLY what I have said above. ASK QUESTIONS and LISTEN. She will tell you something that gives you a subtle opportunity to see her again, and it should be something she would be really interested in and it won’t scare her off.

EXAMPLE OF WHAT WORKS:

While you are listening she talks about the math class she is taking in college she is having trouble with. You happen to be a math genius. You simply say, “Well, I am really good at math. If you would like some help with your homework, let me know.” Then shut up. If she is interested in you, she will take the bait and say, “Yeah, oh I would so appreciate that” or something of the sort. If you have totally blown it by now and she doesn’t want your help despite her learning disability, she won’t take the bait. THAT WON’T HAPPEN unless you violated something else I have talked about here, and you talked about yourself too much, tried to be interesting, didn’t listen, talked about sex or how pretty she was too much.

Another example is, while you are listening she says how she really likes to go dancing. So if you like dancing you say, “Really? Me too. I love dancing, let’s do that sometime.” Or if you don’t like to dance, don’t lie. Say, “Really? Then maybe you could help me because I don’t know a thing about dancing but I think it’s time I learned. Do you think you could teach me a little sometime?”

GET IT? Come up with something you guys could do in the future that she and you would really like to do, that’s not a first date plea, “Can we go out again?”

By the way, FUTURE is the key to meeting girls on the street, in the store, etc. Lots of girls will give you their phone numbers but about 90% of the beautiful women I know say they would never have a relationship with someone they met that way. BUT if you can establish FUTURE right there on the street or on the first call you can destroy those odds. And REMEMBER FUTURE is NOT, “Can we go out sometime?” To a woman that just means you want sex, and you are asking for it before you have established any other value to her.

You see, meeting girls who work in stores or restaurants is easier than stopping them on the street, because the situation already has future built in. You know where they work, you can come back again and again, she can get to know you, FUTURE you see.

But, stopping a girl on the street and establishing FUTURE. Now that can be a challenge. But, I’ve done it. Many times. You apply the same principles above. Don’t talk about yourself. Be interested in her. Ask questions. Listen to the answers. When she says the opportune thing that you can tell has value to her then jump right in with some FUTURE.

Mr. L. Rx

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How To Get A Second Date “Mistakes Guys Make On The First Date” (c) 2007 Dating To Relating, Inc.