DATING TO RELATING FOR MEN – WEEKLY COLUMN– 9/7/09
Dating To Relating For Men- Advice By Mr. L. Rx
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Mr. L. Rx is the author of the popular DatingToRelating.com website and the author of the popular book “Dating To Relating – From A To Z”. Have a question? Send it to Column@DatingToRelating.com and it may be selected for answer in this column. (Sorry all questions cannot be answered.)
Question: My girlfriend is always getting upset with me because she wants to get married, right away, and I don’t. I am unsure about her for a variety of reasons, but when I try to tell her what the problem is she won’t listen. She says I am a typical man with commitment problems, and that is the problem. How do I handle this?
Answer: There is a myth in our society that men have “commitment” problems. Sure some men do, but probably no more men than women.
The real problem is that a lot of guys want a sexual relationship so bad that they will compromise their integrity and will have a relationship with a woman they are really not ultimately interested in just to get sex. In other words, a lot of guys lie about how attracted they are to a woman.
Ultimately this leads to “noncommittal” but it is more a situation of “ I can’t commit to you” for most guys rather than “I can’t commit.” The myth then is conveniently used by guys as a good reason to draw the sexual relationship on a little longer, or to have the woman break up with the guy.
So we end up with a myth that “guys can’t commit” which is a lie, and the unseen truth that most women are unaware of is that “guys will lie and compromise their integrity just for sex.”
Most women on the other hand are not as needy as guys sexually and don’t compromise what they are looking for in a partner as frequently as men, just to have sex.
So you my friend are not typical as you seem to be willing to dispel the myth and at least tell the girl the truth of why you can’t commit to her.
The fact that she won’t listen and wants to dispel your comments as just having to do with the myth, indicates she is a little insecure and is perhaps afraid of what you might have to say.
So you have to approach the topic in a less threatening way then perhaps you are now doing.
One way might be to just “go with the flow”. If she wants to believe you are a typical guy who “can’t commit” don’t resist that concept and tell her what is wrong with her (which might be threatening to her) instead just say “you are right” you are a typical guy who has problems committing to anyone. But say you want to change and need her help.
Tell her you have considerations that you have to overcome, and even though they may be silly and contrived, that you need to discuss them and overcome them in order to overcome your fear of committal. You need her to be sensitive and genuinely discuss your considerations.
If you set it up this way, you might get her to listen and discuss your true feelings. There are probably many ways to soften the impact of what you have to say and get her to listen, but whatever you do you have to take the focus off of criticizing her to just getting her to discuss your feelings.
Mr. L. Rx
