DATING TO RELATING FOR MEN – WEEKLY COLUMN– 2/16/09
Dating To Relating For Men- Advice By Mr. L. Rx
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Mr. L. Rx is the author of the popular DatingToRelating.com website and the author of the popular book “Dating To Relating – From A To Z”. Have a question? Send it to Column@DatingToRelating.com and it may be selected for answer in this column. (Sorry all questions cannot be answered.)
Question: How do you overcome fears that pop up sometimes even when things are going good?
Answer: That is a good question. There are entire books that have been written on that subject. It is not an easy question to answer as it varies from person to person. However, one of the best techniques I have used to overcome my fears usually involves lowering the gradient.
What are gradients? Gradients are like steps on a ladder. If you try to go to the top of the ladder on your first step, it will be impossible and you will fail. If you keep trying it over and over you will start building up a “complex” about failing, and soon not try anymore.
If you try to jump up five or six steps on your first try, it will also be scary – not necessarily impossible but scary. Probability is that if you have no experiences jumping that high you will fail too.
The right approach is to take the first step and then advance one-step at a time. It is the most comfortable way to climb a ladder.
Here are some examples of how I apply that to overcome fears that pop up in meeting or dating women:
When I am approaching a beautiful woman in a social setting, rather than telling her how beautiful she is and how much I am attracted to her (which exposes my fear of being shot down in front of a lot of people and embarrassed) I lower the gradient of approach and simply say “Hi.” If a girl likes you or is interested in you she will find a way to continue the conversation. If she doesn’t then I know she is not interested in me and the simple “Hi” just appears that I am friendly – not necessarily even flirting – so I don’t feel shot down in front of other people.
If I am starting to date a girl and I feel fearful taking the next step of trying to get intimate with her, I don’t ask her “Do you want to get intimate?” I take a lower gradient and ask her if she wants to relax, get cozy, and just watch TV at my house. If she doesn’t want to get intimate she certainly won’t want to be alone with me, getting cozy at my house. Or rather than trying to suddenly “kiss her”, I will simply hold her hand or give her light touches every now and again to see how responsive she is to my touch. If she likes my touch she will start touching me back to give me the go ahead signal.
Sometimes when I am fearful of confronting a woman about making a move, I even use “multiple choice” as a test of gradients. When planning a date and fearful to directly ask if she wants to come over to my house, I might say “Do you want to (a) go to a movie, (b) go out to dinner, (c) meet up with our friends at the party or (d) stay home and watch TV and cuddle.
That way I don’t feel rejected if she doesn’t choose (d) as I didn’t directly suggest that we had to do that. But if she does select (d) I know she is ready to take it to the next level.
When you feel uncomfortable and fearful just try to think of a lower gradient that isn’t as scary and allows you to make forward progress toward your goal.
Mr. L. Rx
