DATING TO RELATING FOR MEN – WEEKLY COLUMN– 11/22/10
Dating To Relating For Men- Advice By Mr. L. Rx
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Mr. L. Rx is the author of the popular DatingToRelating.com website and the author of the popular book “Dating To Relating – From A To Z”. Have a question? Send it to Column@DatingToRelating.com and it may be selected for answer in this column. (Sorry all questions cannot be answered.)
Question: Mr. L. Rx, I have heard various dating gurus recommend different things when it comes to paying for a woman’s dinner on a date. What is your opinion?
Answer: Well, there really is no right answer to that question. “Paying for dinner” depends on the personalities involved and the situational variables involved. In other words there is no general guiding principle here.
First thing I would say is that it depends on who you are and your own self image.
If you are the gentleman type and consider yourself a gentleman, then you would probably want to pay as that is pretty much who you are, how you see yourself, and how you would want women to see you.
I have always been pretty much a gentleman, and I do it so matter-of-factly and naturally that it has not ever been a problem for me, and no woman has ever thought I was trying to impress her.
Now “acting” like a gentleman when you are not a gentleman and don’t believe in “chivalry”, etc. will probably cause you problems. You won’t like what you are doing and you’ll probably feel taken advantage of by women, etc.
Now the fact that you don‘t like it and are doing it anyway because you feel you have to will probably come across to the women you are with as some sort of negative “vibe” or as if you are trying to impress them.
Now conversely if you are the anti-gentleman and you refuse to pay at all, then you will probably come across as cheap. But if you are cheap, then you will probably feel good about yourself for not having to pay.
So it really boils down to your own personality. And as far as that goes, just be yourself. If you are a gentleman, then pay. If you are the kind of guy who would pay if you had money but you are broke, then tell the girl up front that that is who you are and go Dutch until you strike it rich.
If you are the cheap guy then go Dutch or get her to pay for you and you will be happy.
Now there are women who have different types of personalities and attitudes too. Some women will expect a man to pay, some women won’t care and will be glad to go Dutch and other women would even be happy to pay for you. And of course not all women have integrity so some will pay or go Dutch even though they don’t want to.
So observe the woman you are interacting with. Does she suggest going Dutch, or does she say “ok” unenthusiastically when you bring it up? If you are unsure and want to probe, ask her about her last boyfriend. “What did he do for a living?” If he had a good job or a job way better than hers, then realize he probably paid. If he was poor then she may be use to going Dutch.
But if she complains about how poor or cheap he was, then that might give you an idea of what to expect.
Situational variables also can come into play. If you meet a woman on a blind date and you don’t like her and you don’t have a lot of money, you might ask her to go Dutch. But if you like her you might suddenly feel more gentlemanly.
The bottom line on this topic is that it is not a very important one in a general sense. It is not something you must or must not do. Just be yourself and modify that by observing the woman you are with and what she expects. Some women want a lot more from men than others, but then again some women are worth it.
I have dated women that I would drive two hours every date to be with and enjoy every minute of it. Then there are other women that if they didn’t come over to my house, well it wasn’t worth a fifteen minute drive to see them. That is just how I felt about it.
Mr. L. Rx
